Team spirit in a relationship creates a feeling of devotion. The following two personal stories show how it feels when your partner is never on your side.
This relationship began with romantic synchronicity because we both had seen each other’s personal ads in a newspaper dating column and replied to one another on the same day. That was synchronicity!
When I received her letter in the mail, I noticed she was the one I had written to as well. In addition, the postmark was even on the same day I had sent my response to her.
Later, when we met, I learned she had noticed the same thing. That synchronicity created a romantic feeling as the relationship began to blossom.
However, I soon discovered she never stood up for me in times of trouble or when a dispute occurred with someone else.
My girlfriend visited me at my office one day when I was getting ready to leave, and we went to my car to drive home.
When I arrived at work that morning, I had parked on the street between two driveways.
The houses in that neighborhood were built narrow from side to side, so their driveways were so close together that the space between each driveway was hardly enough for a car.
After I parked the car, I noticed I was blocking one driveway a little too much. So, I moved it just enough so that I was evenly spaced between both driveways. Wasn’t that nice of me? Courteous fellow! Wouldn’t you say?
When my girlfriend and I got into my car, a woman poked her head out the front door of the house and yelled, “You blocked my husband from getting out this morning!”
I rolled down my window to tell her I had noticed that. And I explained how I moved the car to be an equal distance between the driveways.
She seemed to have experienced that before because she graciously accepted my explanation, said, “Oh, okay,” and went back into her house.
You may be wondering what my girlfriend has to do with all this. Well, what happened next was irritating and disappointing.
As I drove down the street, she angrily yelled, “You could have been kinder to that woman!”
In my defense, I pointed out all the cars parked along that street, most of which overlapped a driveway on one side or the other at each house.
I tried to explain that the people in that neighborhood must be used to that problem. I even showed her the tire marks on the grass next to many driveways as we drove down the street. That was proof that people had to drive over the lawn because a parked car was obstructing the driveway.
Nevertheless, we got into an argument about that. She didn’t accept my explanation and continued yelling at me for my lack of compassion toward that woman.
How Does That Make You Feel?
Have you ever had a partner who seemed to be against you all the time, never being on your side? And not a team player?
In all fairness, anything can be written off with excuses based on other circumstances. Maybe she had a bad day and was taking it out on me. There are always exceptions to consider.
However, I experienced this behavior repeatedly with her. It was a pattern that she was never a team player in our relationship. That lack of team spirit was very disheartening.
We were going away for vacation to New Hampshire and shared driving my car for that long 700-mile trip.
My girlfriend drove the last few miles to our destination. At one point, she needed to make a U-turn and backed into a parked car.
I immediately thought to myself that what she probably needed at that moment was assurance that I was not angry. So, I hugged her to calm her down and said it was okay.
That was really kind of me, wouldn’t you think? But wait, let me tell you what happened.
We left a note under the wiper with our contact information. The owner called the next day, and we met to discuss the situation.
She was a middle-aged lady. The damage was nothing more than a small dent. I told her to get a written estimate for the damages, and we would send her a check for whatever it costs.
The lady had another idea. She said she wanted me to pay her $300 now and to give her my insurance information so she could collect the rest from my insurance company.
You Can’t Have It Both Ways!
I tried to explain that we were willing to pay for the actual damages when she sends me the bill, but if she deals with my insurance company, she may only get what they say the cost should be.
The lady didn’t accept that. She continued to insist that I give her BOTH my insurance information and $300.
Well, first of all, I was concerned about my insurance rate going up for something my girlfriend did. I was not the one who caused the accident, so I wanted to settle without the insurance.
And second, I was willing to pay for the repair in full, and I felt the lady’s request was unreasonable.
So I said to her as kindly as I could:
The woman didn’t like that at all and continued to insist that I give her a $300 check in addition to my insurance information.
Needing the Police to Get Involved
We ended up calling the police to intervene. The cop saved the day by making her understand that the options I presented were extremely reasonable.
He even told her I was being very considerate, having given the woman three options to choose from. And with that, she accepted the second option. So, I wrote a check for $300, and we all went on our way.
If you thought that solved the problem, it did. But the entire incident turned my girlfriend against me.
When we got to the hotel, my girlfriend suddenly said:
I was stunned!
She focused on the wrong thing! She didn’t care that I was trying to be kind to the lady. She didn’t appreciate that I was willing to pay for the damages she caused.
She wasn’t even grateful that I hugged her when I knew she must be upset about causing an accident with my car. Another guy might have screamed, “What’s the matter with you?” I just calmly hugged her. And this is what I get?
I learned a long time ago to take a moment to think before reacting to an extreme situation. It pays off so well. It gives you a chance to consider the situation before letting your own feelings spoil it. That’s why I hugged her when she backed into that car.
I knew I was just as much responsible because I let her drive my car. And I also realized that she must have felt terrible, which is why I knew to hug her.
Well, that experience made it clear to me that my girlfriend was not functioning as my partner.
We talked about it on the way home. But she was not on my side and did not care to see my point of view. Her lack of sensitivity was very disappointing.
That behavior was not acceptable. It was a deal-breaker for the relationship, and I broke up with her immediately after that trip.
When you have repeated experiences with a partner who is not on your side, discuss it and try to come to a mutual understanding.
You do that by explaining how it makes you feel. And it’s important to ask them if you ever treated them that way. You might learn that they may be responding to your behavior.
While discussing it, pay attention to body language. People often hold back when they feel intimidated or don’t want to answer questions for personal reasons. But various facial expressions or how they cross their arms can be tell-tale signs of a more meaningful expression.
That’s why a face-to-face discussion is helpful. Never have these talks over the phone, and definitely not by text or email. Communicating about feelings will help you learn something about one another. And discover what is causing the lack of team spirit.
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