Repeating the same mistake with selecting inappropriate partners can often be traced to unresolved issues.
For example, we may have had problematic experiences with prior relationships, and we are trying to reconstruct the same situation repeatedly in an effort to understand its cause.
It’s possible that we feel comfortable with a particular arrangement and have the need to create it over and over. And we do this even if it doesn’t lead to a constructive future.1
That could result from failing to think things through and to recognize our specific needs. If we don’t consider our values, we could very well get stuck in a pattern of repeated mistakes in our relationships.
We tend to get involved with the same type of partner that doesn’t offer a rewarding future but somehow resembles another person who negatively affected us.
We might have forgotten it on a conscious level, but it’s still causing us to choose an inappropriate partner and fail to commit to an ongoing relationship.
We seek these types of partners to resolve the problem that is still affecting us emotionally. And if we haven’t alleviated the issues that troubled us in the past, we might go through life trying to fix the conflict in our minds that resulted from the unsettling experience.
As I mentioned, we have a subconscious need to repeat similar experiences to attempt to change them. So we seek relationships with similar partners.
Unfortunately, selecting people who resemble a prior partner who caused emotional stress will only repeat the pattern. As a result, they fail to consider anything other than their own needs.2
Have you grown up with parents who thought more about their own concerns and didn’t consider their impact on you? Or you had a relationship with a partner who functioned that way.
That’s a toxic experience, and later in life, you subconsciously feel a need to fix that. So you seek partners that behave similarly, hoping to learn what’s behind it in an effort to understand your unresolved issues.
A negative occurrence in childhood with a parent, or troublesome encounters with early dating, can leave a memory of something we need to resolve. So we try to replicate the experience with our new partner to correct the feeling that left us with a lack of a positive conclusion.
These early life mishaps can be many other things, such as something that went wrong in our school days. For example, a teacher or student who blamed you for something you didn’t do.
Some people never recover from the negative things that happened in their past. Nevertheless, those experiences set the stage for where we are now and how we behave.
These experiences might have traumatized us in the past, and if we didn’t process the issue in our minds to put it away and not let it affect us anymore, we could continue trying to resolve it throughout our lives.
The following video is an excellent explanation of all this. It’s worth the five minutes to watch it.
The patterns of repetition with inappropriate partners in our lives occur because we need to find ways to repeat similar problems. But that isn’t the way to reach a successful conclusion. Instead, it tends to become the theme of our “life story!”
How can we learn to understand our theme and change it? We need to do that so we can make life more meaningful with optimistic scenarios.
I’ll describe three exercises you might deem helpful, so your past no longer has control over you.
If you can acknowledge that everything about your behavior is a result of past experiences, it will help you move forward.
To do that, you’ll need to recall the troubling events hidden in your subconscious so that you can put them to rest. Try to do that by thinking about it.
The last time the feelings of those events existed for you might have been when you were too young to understand them. And while the feelings remain hidden, you are not erasing the effects of the problem created by the experience.
However, the maturity you have today empowers you to accept the hurt and injustice of it all. Once you remember troubling events that happened when you were young, you can think through the progression of events as they occurred.
Then, when you become aware of these things, you can analyze them with the mature attitude you have now. Acknowledge your past and try to understand it.
Our brain protects us by not allowing us to see the connection between early-life events and our present functioning. As a result, our lives are affected by forgotten memories of troubling experiences.
It can help to examine early relationships that troubled us. That might provide the information we need to understand how they affect our present behavior.3
Think through the history of your life, from the moment of any adverse occurrences. First, notice the theme that developed. Then observe how the initial experience has such a strong influence on you today.
What complicates things is that there may very well be multiple events that don’t seem to be connected. But they build on themselves to add to your “life story.”
Thinking about the pattern that emerged may help you better understand the patterns that emerged and where your life is headed.
You see, your brain is struggling to forget the past anyway. But it’s leaving you with the desire to understand it. So, therefore, you keep repeating the same things.
In the end, you feel disappointed because you’re not moving forward with a life you thought you wanted to have. And you find yourself merely repeating the same pattern.
So, the way to forget the past is to bring it to the surface and feel the pain.
Try to figure out how to move beyond missed opportunities or the hurtful feelings of injustice that were inflicted on you.
Then say to yourself, “Those things happened, and there is nothing I can do about it. I need to give myself the life I want. I recognize how the events of the past are unresolved. I appreciate the fact that I cannot change that. But I know I can do what’s necessary to create a future from this point forward merely by living life as if the past struggles never happened.”
Once you do that with a conscious effort, it will help eliminate the effects of a troubled past.
You may never completely resolve the issues that troubled you in past relationships, especially anything that occurred in childhood. The best you might do is eliminate its effects.
But now that you know what’s been affecting you and causing you to pick the wrong partners, you’ll be on a path to changing the narrative of your life story.
Focus on finding a partner who is trustworthy and whom you appreciate for their values so you can develop a committed relationship.4
Remember to avoid the need to resolve problematic issues that have haunted you all your life. You can do it. You’re in control of your life. Create a new life story.
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