Articles by Glenn Stok
The sign of a mature relationship is when couples can work together to resolve issues rather than remaining detached and distant. I had a girlfriend like that. The following is a real-life story of a relationship with such a person.
She had a habit of vanishing for hours when we had plans. The worst experience was when we had a reservation at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day. She was not home when I went to pick her up. So I called her on her cellphone, and she said she was stuck at the checkout counter while shopping and would be home soon.
This type of thing happened frequently, and I was almost sure she had another boyfriend, which would explain why she kept disappearing. But that wasn’t the case. It was just her personality. She didn’t have any consideration for how her elusive behavior affected me.
I respected her and cared for her. She had the strength to overcome obstacles with her job and family. I enjoyed watching how she handled problems by applying her intelligence. I admired that about her.
I always did things to help her, and I could see that she appreciated that. However, I didn’t feel any love on her part.
That fiasco was on Valentine’s Day, and it didn’t end well. She kept giving me more excuses until I called it off. I gave up waiting and canceled the reservations because we would have been late anyway if we had gone.
I put my love on hold and just became her “friend” with no romance. I would have responded differently to her if I had known what was going on.
She had trouble opening up when I asked for explanations about things that didn’t seem right. One time she gave me an answer that didn’t help much. She said she is a “private person.”
That didn’t go well for me since we were in a relationship. The way I understood it, she was excluding me from her life. I was not to be part of this incredible person’s life as I had hoped.
So I just let things drift as friends. I enjoyed hanging out with her, even though it was mostly doing things she needed to have done for her. I helped her with her daily affairs, shopping for things she needed, building a DIY desk, fixing her computer, painting her apartment, and so on. At least I got to spend time together with her.
She never gave me the “real answers” to questions I had about her vanishing episodes. A fellow gives up after a while when he feels his girlfriend can’t trust him to discuss her personal issues that are affecting the relationship. It wasn’t a new relationship either. We were well into the third year. It’s time to share!
I found it so difficult to communicate with her that I didn’t try anymore after a while. I just accepted it for what it was — with her privacy being so important to her, as she put it.
I later realized I should have tried to force the discussion. My attitude of accepting the status quo backfired because she ended up thinking that I didn’t care for her. On the other hand, maybe she was playing mind games with me.
You might think we must have been communicating somewhat since I knew she thought I didn’t care for her. And some things came to the surface, but the deep-down stuff was never revealed.
I was going along with the character flaw that caused her to keep to herself. We never discussed the pressing issues. I was handling it with extreme caution!
I must have really loved her, but I never expressed that to her since I felt so much unavailability from her end. I tried to discuss this, and she refused to talk about it.
I had no idea what she thought she would gain by refusing to discuss things. I tried to give her a chance, but eventually, I decided to give up — even as friends.
After several failed attempts to get her into a discussion about the issues, I had no choice but to stop communicating with her. After several years of emotional distance, I lost my desire to talk with her.
Ill-treatment that may have happened in one’s childhood can cause emotional damage. That can leave one with character flaws that affect all their social interactions later in life. When it comes to personal relationships, this can have a detrimental impact on the success of the partnership.
I used to hold on too long when lacking substance, thinking that things might get better. As a result, I wasted many years of my life with relationships that never had any growth. Even though they lasted, they were going nowhere.
The way I feel, if you give someone a chance to talk and try to make things work, and they refuse, they must be telling you that they are not interested in continuing the relationship.
Besides having character flaws, people can still be efficient in other areas of their lives and have outstanding achievements. However, building a foundation of love and trust with another person may be one thing they will never realize.
I learned we need to quickly recognize when we are involved with someone who won’t be willing to communicate about issues that need to be resolved. This experience made me stronger, with more focus on what I want in a relationship.
