Articles by Glenn Stok
In this story, you’ll discover how failure to communicate feelings and reasons for one's actions can prevent the positive growth of a relationship.
I first met Nancy (not her real name) on a walk I led with our hiking group through a trail adjacent to one of the North Shore beaches. Many pleasant people attended, as always.
We had many walking events around various parts of Long Island. Some of the people came for the first time that day. Everyone got along, and many made new friends.
I had my eye on Nancy from the very moment I saw her. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to know her that day as I focused on leading the walk and keeping everyone occupied with enjoyable activities.
I was unfamiliar with this particular trail since I took over for another leader who had chosen that beach trail for that day but couldn’t come due to an unforeseen family issue.
To everyone’s surprise, there wasn’t much of a path. So we continued along the waterfront to extend the walk. That was an enjoyable decision because everyone got to see the wildlife.
Ducks and swans enjoyed the pleasant weather. Nancy spotted an Osprey returning to its nest with a fish in its beak to feed her babies.
When we returned to the starting point, we all agreed to go to a local restaurant for an early dinner.
We decided on a local Chinese Restaurant, and everyone enjoyed each other’s company during the meal. The group got along well discussing many topics, and getting to know one another somewhat.
After dinner, we talked for hours in the parking lot. It was clear that none of us wanted the day to end. Nancy was still with us until, one by one, everyone said goodnight and drove home.
I thought about Nancy that evening. I was thinking about asking her out. I had not asked any of the women from the group out ever since I joined a few months earlier. I was not in that frame of mind since I recently broke up with a woman I dated for over two years.
So here I am, having met a pretty woman who I found intelligent and friendly. Naturally, I was very attracted to her, but mere attraction is no reason to get started with someone, at least not at this age anymore.
If a relationship is just for pleasure and not for commitment, it’s a waste of time — if that’s all it is. I’m past that stage in my life, mainly out of fear of running out of time.
For that reason, I’ve been holding back from getting into any new relationship. That’s unlike how I’ve been earlier in life when I would easily allow myself to get involved once I found an interesting woman.
Well, as I continued thinking about it. I knew nothing about Nancy beside her great looks and kind face. I didn’t know if she would be someone I’d like. I didn’t know what to do about that.
She came to various walks. We seemed to gravitate to one another, walking together ahead of the others. We talked as we walked, getting to know a little about one another.
A few months later, I attended a dinner event with a social group. Nancy was there too. She was in the lobby as I walked in. We chatted before being seated, and then she made sure to sit next to me.
The restaurant had a cozy setting with white tablecloths and a breadbasket already on the table when we sat down. Little lit candles twinkled in blue glass containers. We sat at this huge round table with four women and three men.
I knew most people at the table since they frequently attended our walking group and dinner events. They were all incredible people. It was a pleasure to have dinner and conversation with them.
We all conversed in a mutual discussion of varying topics. As time passed, we all got to know each other more that evening.
Dinner had ended, the bill had been paid, and people started preparing to leave. Nancy and I had been mingling in the lobby of the restaurant for a while before leaving.
I suddenly realized I had never thanked the event organizer for doing a great job, so I excused myself to run back inside to thank him. But unfortunately, when I returned to the lobby, Nancy had already left. I never said goodbye, and I felt sad about that.
I might have made her think I wanted to get away from her, so when I got home, I emailed her apologizing for leaving her without saying goodbye. I explained that I had intended to return to talk with her some more in the lobby.
She replied to my email, saying, “Well, we can always get together on our own sometime!”
Reading those words from her gave me a warm and cozy feeling. It meant something to me that she indicated that she wanted to get together without waiting to just run into one another at another group event.
It passed my mind that I could play dumb as if I didn’t catch the obvious HINT! Better yet, I could respond to it as she had intended.
I had to decide, it’s been a while since my previous relationship, and I guess it was time to get involved again. For that matter, I had my eyes on her before this, for quite some time. I had to convince myself to go for it.
I liked what I already knew, and I thought it would be nice to learn more about this attractive and intelligent lady. So I made up my mind.
I replied to the email, accepted the idea, and followed up with a phone call. We spoke several times and planned a date on a Friday after work. We planned to meet for dinner at a nearby restaurant.
I got to the restaurant early since I didn’t know if I’d run into traffic and didn’t want to be late. I waited at the door watching the parking lot on that sunny, warm Friday evening.
In no time at all, I noticed that cheery, warm figure walking up from her car. She looked great! When we entered through the large glass doors of the restaurant, a waiter quickly seated us, and we enjoyed a good meal and a couple of drinks.
We got to know each other much more that evening, talking about our backgrounds, past lives, likes and dislikes, and discovering that we had a lot in common. We even spoke about recent events that we had both shared in the social groups to which we both belonged.
I even made a mental note of her birthday so that I could surprise her, should we be together when that day came.
At the end of that pleasurable date, I walked her to her car and gave her a hug. It was evident from her movements that she expected a kiss.
I was not going for that since I don’t expect most women to want to kiss on the first date. But after all, we had been running into each other from time to time for the past several months. It was perfectly understandable that she wanted a kiss, so after the embrace, I gave her a quick kiss on the lips.
Wow! In that fraction of a second, I felt the smoothness and warmth of her luscious lips!
I drove home with those lips on my mind. I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea, so it was just a quick kiss. Nevertheless, I perceived the warmth and softness of her lips.
“I can’t get over it,” I thought as I drove home. It was just a quick goodnight kiss, and yet I felt so much from it.
The next day, I was at a BBQ in a park, and I knew she would be there too. So we would see each other for two days in a row.
I was talking with some friends while keeping an eye out for her. When I saw her, I greeted her and brought her over to my other friends. Much to my surprise, she gave me one of those lovely kisses on the lips.
The entire day in the park was enjoyable. I made sure I was giving her attention while conversing with others. But I also made sure I didn't overwhelm her either. I tried to keep a balance between being with her and with other people.
At one point in the day, a fly was bussing around. She commented about the fly that was bothering us in the restaurant the day before.
It meant a lot to me that she found a way to let others know that we had been together the day before on a date. She showed me that it was meaningful to her since she wanted to share it.
Eventually, a bunch of us went on a walk around the park. They asked me to lead since I knew the paths.
Strangely, she looked at her watch during that walk and said she needed to leave.
I offered to walk her to her car, and it suddenly got strange when I was about to give her a goodbye kiss. She turned her cheek to me instead.
What happened? That seemed weird, based on her previous closeness. I didn't know what to make of it, but I decided to ignore what had just happened as she got into her car.
The next day I called her and left a message telling her it was nice seeing her at the BBQ. I said I looked forward to planning another date.
She never called back.
I emailed her, and she never replied to that either.
After a week, I sent her one more email asking if everything was okay. She replied with just four words, "Yes, I'm just busy."
I had no idea why she suddenly turned cold, but it was time to move on. She was no longer interested - so I thought.
I wanted to leave an open door, so I replied, "I can see you have a lot going on right now, so feel free to contact me if you want to get together again."
She never called back or emailed after that. She turned cold with no explanation and no communication. She was a non-communicator.
I don't think one can have a healthy relationship with someone who does not communicate, especially if there are feelings of discomfort or some confusion.
I usually wouldn't even have given it another thought, but I kept thinking about everything we had in common and how comfortable I felt being around her.
She stood out in my mind in many ways. However, I saw from this experience that there was a problem. She turned hot and cold and was a non-communicator.
I knew if I should ever be in a relationship with her, I might experience the hot and cold swings whenever something was going on for her.
I suspected I would never find out what was causing her issues, and we would never be able to work on it. And without that ability, a relationship can't grow. It can't exist!
I ran into her at a dinner event a month later. When she saw me, she came running over with her lips headed straight for mine. Surprised and confused, I quickly turned my cheek toward her.
What a mixed signal that was after a month had gone by with no response! I was dumbfounded! What was that all about? What was going on with her?
After a month of silence, I had no interest in even getting into a discussion about it. I was over it! I had no desire to get into a debate at this point. She had her chance.
I sat with other friends at another table. I made sure I would not be sitting near her. I had left her an open door, but she had already proved to be a non-communicator.
I did consider that I might be the one who is a non-communicator at that point. However, it was not worth the effort because her attitude was not conducive to having a good relationship, in my opinion.
She was giving me mixed signals. I don't care to play games with that!
After years of getting into bad relationships, I recognize that getting into a relationship with problems from the start is just a waste of precious time.
I learned to focus on a vision of someone who can be a dependable partner in a life-long relationship. And that requires communication.
