Scientology prohibited communication with non-church family members in the late '70s and early '80s, and my father died depressed after losing contact with his daughter and grandchildren.
It is different now, but the damage has already been done. Cults such as this create dysfunctional families due to members being in denial and unwilling to talk about it with other family members.
This story explains the method I used to help my sister escape. It applies to helping friends and family in any cult.
It may become impossible to communicate with a family member because they were brainwashed to the extent that healthy communication fails. They may also be threatened and afraid to share their feelings with other family members who want to help.
There are methods to break through, however, as I was able to do with my sister. It might be possible to discover a weakness and take advantage of that vulnerability to get them to open up and share their true feelings.
Once you accomplish that, you might find a loophole that will get the person to turn around and ask for help.
It's only our guess that they need help. We have to accept the fact that our loved one may no longer want to be close with the rest of the family, due to extensive brainwashing.
If there's any sign that they want help, the next step is to find out how much support they need. It may be possible that the cult threatens their life in some way, and they may be afraid to make changes.
We have to try to work with them and not pressure them. Pressure can only have a negative effect, and we might lose the little chance we have to allow them to share their feelings.
People get involved with cults for many reasons:
Scientology considers people who try to get someone out to be a Suppressive Person. They don't allow communication with people classified as such. At least this was true in the past, but it changed my entire family. Scientology did not let my sister communicate with the rest of us back in the 1970s because my father was trying to get her out.
The last days of my father's life were miserable. He died without having had communication with his daughter. He repeatedly tried to get through to her, but his calls fell on deaf ears. She never responded to the numerous phone messages he had left for her.
Then he died—without saying goodbye to his daughter!
I witnessed this, and it wasn't pleasant. My dad was classified as a Suppressive Person because he attempted to obstruct the progress of his daughter's training within the cult. His attempts were met with hostility that created anxiety for him and the rest of us. He left this world with deep emotional stress over having lost his only daughter.
I, too, could never get my sister on the phone when I tried to call her. I left messages, but she never called back. My calls were only put through to her when I said someone was dying or that someone had died. Therefore, when my father died, I got to speak with her.
She came to attend the funeral, but she was distant, and her visit didn't last long. Scientology didn't let her stay to mourn the death of her father with the rest of us. They forced her to return within a day.
A few years later, after another long period of non-communication, I called to inform her that our aunt had a heart attack. Of course, I got her on the phone, and she came to be with us for a very brief visit.
My aunt recovered at that time, I'm glad to say. But that situation helped me stumble upon a method of getting through to my sister. It's a method that you can take advantage of too, as I'll explain.
I took advantage of my sister's visit to get in touch with her deep-felt feelings. I detected she might need help. I realized that she might be kept away from us beyond her wishes.
I could tell she was not herself. She had no mind of her own. I once knew her to have a sharp mind when we were young kids growing up decades before. She was always an intelligent person, and I saw she was losing her ability to think for herself. It was strange to witness that.
Some part of her innermost feelings and thoughts were still present. That was evident while I had a heart-to-heart talk with her.
However, I had to be careful not to alienate my sister. At the same time, I needed to plant a seed, so I told her:
"I suspect you are not happy. I'm your brother, and I want to help you. But I'm not going to lift a finger unless you tell me that you want help."
It worked!
A few weeks later my sister called and said, "Will you come and get me?"
Those were such cherished words to me. I quickly responded with joy that I was getting my beloved sister back!
When my sister asked for help to get her out, I purchased a one-way plane ticket to go get her. We rented a U-Haul, filled it with all her possessions, and we took turns driving to bring her home.
When I picked up my sister, I discovered that her kids (my nieces and nephew) were not living with her. They were living in separate quarters in a military-style unit where other members of Scientology took care of them.
I was astonished to discover that parents were not allowed to bring up their kids. This had a significant effect on their lives.
It's one thing to finally get through to an adult and get her to admit she needed help to leave the church, but when children are trained from such as young age, it's next to impossible because that's all they know!
I wanted to bring home all three of her children too, but my sister showed anxiety and apprehension about that idea. So I had to give in on that plan.
One child, my younger niece, came with us, but she later returned to the church. My sister was afraid to share all the facts with me, and her anxiety indicated that she was threatened.
After I got my sister out of Scientology, they sent her huge bills for auditing sessions and courses she took while in the church. I later learned she agreed to leave her three children in the church in return for discontinuing the billing.
Leah Remini is known for speaking out against Scientology after she left the church, and she said she wanted to see more stories about how it affected the children. You can read about some “scary facts” she wrote about in Reddit that are discussed in a Teen Vogue article I included in the references. 1
I regret that I didn't forcefully influence the outcome to bring back all her kids and keep them out of the cult.
Things are very different today than they were in the 1970s. Scientology seems to have lightened up. Members are allowed to communicate with family now, but the closeness of family ties is permanently damaged.
Whenever I tried to discuss the church of Scientology and its effect on our family, I was met with a defensive argument that went nowhere. I realized the only way to keep any sort of relationship, although non-existent, was to lay low. I had to avoid saying anything about how I felt.
I discovered that I could never ask questions or bring up the subject. I had tried. They would just argue and insist that my interpretation is wrong or that my memory is faulty.
That kept us from recapturing any kind of a relationship. It also created a further distancing and separation from the next generation of grandkids.
If I were to get too pushy, they might have to share that with other church members, who might consider me a suppressive person. If that were to happen, I'm afraid we'd lose any of the communication we still have, just as it were when my father was declared a suppressive person.
I remember the closeness I had with my two nieces and nephew long before they were involved with Scientology. If it weren't for that, I imagine I might have had a close family connection with them and with the grandchildren.
The grandchildren are all in their own world, whatever that is. I am sure they have no clue as to why our family ties are non-existent.
I am sure that the grand-kids are even further brainwashed and are totally clueless. I often wonder what they think, what they might be thinking, or if they are thinking about it at all? Would they ever reach out and ask questions, or did the brainwashing completely remove their ability to have their own thoughts, their own life, and their own soul!
That is achieved by mind control. Under that condition, they are not aware of how they are influenced. In the case of Scientology, I noticed a decline in family closeness among my nieces and nephew. This is clearly explained in an article, "What Is Mind Control?" by Dr. David McDermott.2
What if a more substantial portion of the family is drawn into the cult? What if children were born into the cult in a second or third generation?
These children are completely controlled, and they don't even have a clue why they are disconnected from the rest of the family. That is why it's so important to try to save a family member before the process continues with the next generation.
Years later, the children may even forget that they ever wanted out, or the memories may have been erased from their minds by some form of mind control. On the other hand, they may just not be willing to admit that they ever wanted out. That might be due to some fear imposed on them.
According to Ash Sanders in her Rolling Stone article, children who grow up in Scientology are never taught how to be a kid. Instead, they were expected to function as adults from an early age. They are called little adults.3
When they are young, they may want their relatives to take them. My older niece had asked my parents and my aunt and uncle to take her in, but they all were too old by that time to care for a child.
I wish she had asked me. That would have changed everything. I was in my twenties and I could have handled it, but I didn't know she was asking others until years later.
When children in a cult grow up and have their own children, that next generation is totally distant and uninvolved with family members who are not part of the cult.
Remember how I helped my sister by planting a seed of hope and assistance that later blossomed and resulted in her call asking to come to get her? Well, it can work for you too.
If you have a family member or a friend in Scientology, or any religious cult, and you've lost the ability to communicate, plant that seed and wait for the opportunity to help. Do it before it's too late, and be ready to do whatever you can when the call for help arrives.
For all we know, these people are threatened and afraid to act out against the cult. They may be in a predicament that we don't know about or one that we don't understand, and they may not know what to do about it.
I wonder if they ever have the same thoughts that I have—thinking of why there is no family tie, feeling of wanting to be on the other side, thinking of asking for help. So, always leave the door open so they can ask for help.
If you ever get that call, be ready to run and welcome your family member or friend with open arms. Be prepared to show them what life is like on the other side.
To learn more, you can find a critical examination of Scientology by journalist Tony Ortega with Leah Remini as co-host in his numerous podcasts under: "Scientology: Fair Game."
I also suggest some books I read to understand the problems with family members involved in Scientology. The lessons learned apply to other cults too.
