Some people choose not to take advice on an approach to solve their issues. This article discusses why we can't always help and offers suggestions on what to do about it.
Build Trust: The initial problem is trust. Before advising a friend on an approach to solve their problem, you need to build trust to improve communication.
That is done by acknowledging their feelings. Let your friend know you understand where they are coming from before offering advice.
Be Mindful: Focus on providing constructive feedback and be mindful of how it is received. Avoid negative comments that might come across as attacking.
Set Boundaries: If your friend fails to accept a suggested approach to solve their problem, then it's crucial to set boundaries.
Make it clear you want to help, but that you can't accept offering an ear for them to vent unless they are serious about solving their problem.
Friends often come to me for advice, but when I try to offer positive guidance, I discover two attitudes people have:
I get frustrated when I try to explain how to avoid the problems developing in their lives, and they let it happen anyway.
Some people set themselves up for failure. They will never listen to advice. They are somehow programmed in their minds to continue their path towards failure.
There is nothing that we can do for these people. Sadly, I often need to back off and watch them sink deeper into trouble.
They don't think it through. They just let their lives deteriorate. They don't try to improve their lives or solve their own problems.
Now, to understand why they don't listen to advice, let's review some reasons for this behavior. I've observed each of the following with various friends.
Everyone follows their desired path in life based on their personal value system. They are strict about their feelings and will never deviate from them. Therefore, if the advice does not match with their values, they will reject it—no matter how good it is.
Just because your advice is valid for yourself, it doesn’t make it worthwhile for someone else. Therefore, you can only successfully advise someone if it’s consistent with their beliefs and values.
One will hesitate to accept advice when they don’t know if it’s good for them. Intelligent people might be more difficult to help because they want evidence that it’s beneficial, and you can’t blame them for that.
Therefore, a plan for advice needs to be well-rounded and complete with clearly stated positive outcomes. So, if it’s not thorough with positive conclusions, you’ll have difficulty convincing someone of its benefits.
When one has a fear of the unknown, they might avoid following advice even if given by an experienced mentor.
The only way to help someone stricken by fear is to show them the outcome with some method of visualization.
If it mattered enough to them, they might work on the changes required to achieve a specific goal. However, that doesn’t always work.
Admitting they are wrong destroys their ego, and they need to protect their self-esteem. So, when someone needs to be right all the time, and you show them they are wrong, they get angry because they no longer have an excuse.
Three things can affect them:
As a result, they want the satisfaction of hearing someone agree that they are doing everything right. And not that they are the reason for their problems.
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Denial interferes with acting rationally. If someone takes responsibility for their own failures, they can adjust their behavior and plan a new strategy.
However, if they are in denial, they will be stuck with their inability to solve their own problems.
I noticed that people remain in denial and never listen because they lack the skills to think it through—to plan a solution. In addition, when a solution is presented to them, they don't see it.
The more I tried to help, the more I realized I was upsetting them. When people are in denial, it's best to save our energy and leave them alone—sad to say.
Here's an Example of Denial:
A friend with an accounting business asked me for advice. She told me she couldn't pay her office rent because she was losing clients.
I told her that her office was making a poor impression. I recommended that she clean up her office. I explained that an uncluttered office would imply getting an orderly tax report. But a mess of papers everywhere turns off anyone who would consider hiring her.
She argued that she had no clients because everyone was using TurboTax. She needed to come up with an excuse for her dilemma and refused to accept my explanation.
So, what happened? She didn't clean up, lost her clients, couldn't pay the rent, her landlord evicted her, and she lost her business.
Some people are upset about past failures. They dwell on it, complain about it, and look for others who will help them rationalize the terrible situation they’re in. They would do that rather than move forward.
They can’t look to the future. Therefore, they don’t listen when one tries to help them improve or correct some aspect of their lives.
It's best to explain this with an example:
I had a friend who always struggled with almost everything in her life. I saw her pattern was due to her failure to take charge of essential details.
She was deeply in debt and couldn’t pay her mortgage. She had some equity in her home, so I told her to sell it before the bank foreclosed.
She got upset with me and said she’d rather have recognition for what she can do right instead of being told that she’s doing something wrong. She completely misunderstood my intention and refused to do anything about it.
I realized she needed to vent about her problems and not hear any viable solutions.
She didn’t want to take responsibility for the way she was handling things. And she didn’t see the benefit of doing what I was suggesting. She just wanted to tell me about her problems and have me listen.
You can see how frustrating that can be for someone who wants to help a friend in need. But if one would rather not hear solutions, we need to leave them alone.
Some people merely need to vent and have someone listen to feel that their attitudes are validated.1
Some people are not interested in doing what's necessary to achieve their goals. So giving guidance is unacceptable in those cases, and I notice years later that these types of people are still in the same place they were at the start.
We can't do anything to help those who lack the desire to get ahead. If you know someone with that attitude, who never appreciates the reasoning behind specific tasks, it’s best to stay away and avoid trying to help them.
I had an experience with someone who asked me to explain how to handle a troublesome situation in her life. I offered some ideas. But she continued to complain about her horrible situation and never followed through with my suggestions.
She didn't understand the ramifications of her actions and continually tried to solve her problem her own way. It became clear to me that she thought she knew better. But she kept making things worse.
After much effort in guiding her, I realized I needed to avoid such a person because she began to drag me into her horrible situation.
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These are the same people who are always late. Have you ever noticed that people who arrive late and keep others waiting are those who fail to achieve anything meaningful in their own lives?
To accomplish important tasks, one needs to know how long it will take. Then, they need to plan each step to fit the allotted time.
I see this problem with some friends who say they understand what I'm telling them to do. They agree that it sounds like a solution to their dilemma. The only problem is, the next time I talk with them, they still haven't started.
People will make the time for the things they value. I know I do.
Some people have an issue with authority figures. They will reject your advice if that's how you're coming across.
Therefore, try to determine if you are the problem. For example, are you trying to change them based on your own judgment or opinion? That’s not a good thing.
However, if you genuinely know how to make things better for them and believe you have useful guidance to offer, then it's necessary to present it in a non-threatening way. In other words, it’s best not to lecture.
When someone wants to do something that doesn’t lead to any positive results, ask how they came to that conclusion. Then ask a more pointed question, “What are you hoping to get out of that?”
That line of questioning could help one see where they are headed. If it were not a good choice, you might ask, “Why do I feel that way?”
Feelings usually reveal the truth behind a bad decision and make things more apparent.
Once that's achieved, provide a plan of action to solve their problem and to see the results they might be overlooking.2
Then, offer some proposals to produce a vision of what they need to do:
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I sympathize with my friends who don't listen and suffer because of it. I offer love and compassion when it suits their needs, but I believe in tough love when they are going downhill and need to be woken up.
My only intention is to guide a friend to a better place. But unfortunately, they often take it as an attack if I don't give them approval for the ways they fail. How strange is that?
Some people improve their lives with advice, while others reject it because it doesn’t meet their needs.
Even though people come to us for advice, they may not be ready to accept critical guidance. They may think they want help, but they end up rejecting it when unhealthy attitudes affect their better judgment.
In those cases, it could be best to avoid the confrontation entirely.
Here's a line from the 1999 movie, "The Matrix," that makes it clear how advice is only useful if acted upon.
I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
I’ll leave you with that 13-second movie snippet as a conclusion to this discussion.
