When friends ask for advice, they may not necessarily be seeking guidance. Often, they need someone to listen and be supportive.
I advised a few friends about how to avoid the trouble they were having. But instead, they made their lives worse, dragging themselves deeper into a rut.
All I could do was watch it happen, and I quickly realized there was nothing I could do to help.
So, let's review what you need to know to advise people properly when someone asks for help. I'll include some examples I dealt with and the personal problems they caused.
Two methodologies are required when trying to help someone see the light and turn things around when in trouble:
In many of these scenarios, avoiding getting involved is usually best, especially since our efforts would be futile anyway.
Some people seem to want a life with limited success and little happiness. I see that happen often. As a result, they allow troubling episodes to worsen.
They have their reasons, and they evidently feel comfortable with that lifestyle. So there might not be anything we can do to change that for them. Nevertheless, let's review several alternatives to consider.
1. Ask Thoughtful Questions
Giving advice starts with active listening. After listening, it’s essential to ask your friend what they hope to achieve from the discussion.
Explain that you need to know what they want. That will help them feel you are genuinely listening and trying to help.
So, it helps to ask thoughtful questions before going any further, such as:
The answers they give to these questions could make a big difference in the advice you decide to give. When you do that right, they will appreciate you for it and recognize the value of your assistance.
2. Avoid Criticizing
They may be too embarrassed to continue the conversation if you dwell upon their mistakes.
It’s better to focus on the solution rather than bringing up the problems they created for themselves. They already know what they did wrong. Provide a view of the future so they have something concrete to envision.
3. Provide Alternative Options
Art Markman, a Ph.D., who writes for Psychology Today, recommends giving your friend options they might have overlooked. That is known as "decision support," which guides someone in making their own choice.1
Making your friend aware of available options helps them think for themselves and be able to make their own decisions.
4. Be Supportive
Unfortunately, certain types of behavior cause people to avoid doing what’s needed. They just can’t put the energy into the task required to pull them out of a bind.
The best we can do, in that case, is be supportive. We need to try to hear where they are coming from.
We need to listen and show understanding. Then, once we have grasped the nature of their predicament and understand what they want to accomplish, we can respond with whatever needs to be said.
5. Offer Constructive Solutions
Don’t just say things they want to hear to make it sound good. I believe in “tough love” as the only way to be helpful.
If a friend asks for help and you have determined they definitely want guidance, then explain what they need to do, no matter how difficult it is for them to hear it. That is the only way to give support that will help in the long run.
6. Suggest Professional Counseling if You Can't Help
It's best to avoid giving incorrect information. So, only offer your thoughts if you know enough to provide meaningful advice on the subject.
Be honest about that. Sometimes people ask me to help with something I don’t know anything about. In that case, it’s best to admit it and suggest a better place to go for help.
Lack of information is one of the most common reasons for making mistakes and not knowing how to get out of a bind. Therefore, it would be helpful to seek professional help.
In extreme cases, one may need professional counseling to help with severe problems. That is when a true friend will step back and suggest a more appropriate alternative with help.
This could be a tricky situation. If the issue is with a spouse or partner, it’s vital to understand the problem before recommending anything drastic, such as divorce.
If they work things out in the future, it may negatively affect your friendship with that friend.
A friend once told me she argued with her husband over finances, and he left her. Since he had threatened her repeatedly, I told her to change the locks and not let him back in.
What did she do? She went ahead and informed him that I recommended locking him out. What good did that do?
You never know what someone will do with your suggestions. So, it’s best to avoid getting involved in some cases, especially if you’re unsure how your friend reacts to advice.
If their partner has a toxic behavior that is harmful to the relationship, friendly guidance might not be helpful. In that case, consider recommending a proper counselor trained to assist with such matters.
Unfortunately, rather than focus on solutions, some people prefer to remain in the difficult position they put themselves in and complain endlessly about how terrible their lives are.
It's awful that some people get pleasure from complaining, especially when their friends listen to the complaints and show empathy.
But showing concern can prolong the agony because that's all they want. They don't care about correcting their problems. They’d rather only keep talking about it.
When a friend continually talks my ear off about their problems, I usually say, “Are you feeling better telling me all this, or are you hoping for some helpful advice?”
When one is in denial, they have difficulty accepting advice even when they ask for help.
When that’s the case, I make it clear that I recognize they want to continue failing with what they have always done. That statement is meant to wake them up.
I also give them the option to come back when they are ready to be led down a more fruitful path. Sometimes they reconsider, especially if something happens that opens their eyes.
Some people who need help will outright refuse to accept any proposed solutions. We can’t help these people, and we shouldn’t even try. It will only frustrate our friends and waste our time.
These people get frustrated when friends try to help because they have unresolved emotional issues that cause them to stay in the same situation.
I have had to walk away several times when a friend would ask for advice. I knew they were in denial. They refused all the solutions I would offer.
Unfortunately, I would later discover that they made things worse. That was their choice. There is nothing we can do about it.
It will help if you determine what is going on in their mind, such as:
Most of all, are they looking for guidance or just someone to assure them they are doing the right thing? That’s the tricky part. If that’s what they want, you will possibly never be able to help them.
When someone is in denial, it’s hard to guide them. They make excuses for their predicament and let it continue to affect their quality of life.2
It’s unfortunate, but when people are in denial, they don’t want someone to show them the path that will help. They will usually continue to keep their head buried in the sand no matter what one tries to tell them.
For example, a friend whom I was once trying to help repeatedly did the opposite of what I suggested and got herself into more of a bind.
In some cases, friends might make it sound like they want help, but they really don’t. So, it's crucial to have an open mind when offering guidance and consider that you might be wasting your time if they really don't want to hear constructive advice.
It's not always our place to guide a friend. We might not even be qualified to do it, even when we think we know the answers.
The art of giving advice is a unique gift, and it often requires a professional counselor who can provide honest, nonjudgmental advice, especially when dealing with extreme life issues.
The best you can do is remember these key points:
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