Discover the unhealthy behavior of a toxic friend and learn how to end the relationship in favor of your well-being.
Do you have a friend who is not a positive influence on your life? Successful people thrive on having intelligent friends to share knowledge and advance in life.
A friend who has negative behavior can be toxic to your well-being. Friends help one another. They offer useful opinions or guidance when you need it, and you do the same for them.
On the other hand, there’s that type of friend who offers no value to you at all:
You might already recognize that you have such a friend who has chronic toxic behavior.
They don’t care how they affect you or how they hurt your feelings. In addition, they consume a significant amount of your time with unproductive endeavors that serve no purpose and frustrating discussions that are pointless.
I call these people energy vampires. They drain you of your energy. It’s crucial to pay attention to the way they treat you. In many cases, watch how they treat themselves. They often cause self-destruction.
Some toxic friends hurt themselves, and they tend to drag you into their turmoil. It’s crucial to keep your value system in mind and focus on what is important to you.
You find that they are becoming high maintenance as you try to guide them.
They don’t listen to what you have to say and would instead continue destructive traits.
They feed on drama, lie, cheat, and even do hurtful things.
You watch them get into stressful situations.
You observe their lies, and they suck you into the middle of them.
I once had a friend who asked me to lie to his wife about his bad behavior that was detrimental to his daughter's welfare. You wouldn’t want to be held responsible for the lies between a husband and wife. That’s not a good position to be in.
You might see your friend doing hurtful things to others, even to their spouses and children. That friend is clearly not a positive influence in your life. You find yourself with no desire to be with that person — not even for a social visit.
Do they enhance your life? Are they on the same level as you intellectually?
Are they so self-absorbed that they can’t even listen to reason?
Do you feel you waste time with them because you don’t get anything enlightening out of the friendship?
Do you find that every time you are together, the discussions are about their problems? Then, when you try to help them, they disregard everything you say?
Do they request that you keep a secret about something terrible they did?
Do they seem to be jealous of you and try to hurt you or lie to your other friends?
Is everything in their life a drama that they attempt to make you part of, or do they try to suck you into their lies?
Why would you stay friends with such a person? Go with your gut feeling. You know what’s best for your sanity and well-being.
I had a lifelong friend whom I met in elementary school, and we stayed in touch for over 50 years, despite his negative behavior.
Throughout my teen years, I didn’t think he added anything to his life, but I stayed friends with him anyway. I continuously recognized his toxic methods in the way he handled his friendships.
It became extremely apparent when he got married, and I saw how he treated his wife. The way he treated her was a disgrace. Yet he knew how to make people think of him as a social butterfly.
As we got older, I noticed he never showed any interest in improving himself. Instead, he abused his body with poor nutrition and unhealthy eating habits.
In addition, he ruined his life by spending on useless items and never saving for his future. He needed someone in his life who would help him with his financial problems more than anything.
His Protective Wife — The Best Thing He Ever Had
He married a very understanding and caring woman. But soon after the wedding, he joked about introducing her as his first wife.
I told him he was making it clear that he would leave her someday. I asked him to notice the hurt look on her face every time he introduced her that way. However, he didn’t care and continued saying things that hurt her.
His wife recognized that there were other problems. I know that because she came to me with questions about it before their marriage, and she considered me a close friend.
She realized that he knew nothing about finance, let alone saving for the future. She was worried about that, but married him anyway. I told her that he meant well and that she could help him.
During their marriage, she tried to help him put money away for their future and for the support of a future child. However, he just kept throwing money away.
No one had any idea how he was making it all disappear. Gambling? Buying useless “toys” perhaps? Maybe paying for favors (if you catch my drift)? Who knew! It was always a mystery.
Whatever it was, he never saved a dime. His wife needed to protect him from himself.
She did an excellent job with that while they were married. She saved money in a special savings account and didn’t let him know where it was.
She also protected him in other ways. She watched regarding his health. That was crucial because he was obese with diabetes and didn’t care to do anything to improve his health.
The Expected Divorce
Soon after having a gorgeous baby, his wife filed for divorce. That came as no surprise since he treated her as badly as he had. Having a baby girl to consider, she needed to think about her daughter’s future.
In the divorce settlement, she acquired half the house and paid him for the other half so she could have a secure home for their daughter.
I told him that he should take that money from his half of the house and immediately get back into real estate. I told him to buy a home for three reasons:
What did he do after I explained all that? You guessed it. He never did buy a house. He lost all that money and had to start digging into his daughter’s future college funds that his ex-wife had set up.
I finally decided my emotional well-being was more important than having a friend I’ve known since childhood. The way he treated his wife was the deciding factor in my decision.
When you recognize you have a friend whose toxic behavior is affecting you, your next step is to figure out how to end the relationship.
If their attitude is pulling you down, if they put you in an awkward social position, or waste your precious time, then you need to take a second look at your relationship with this person.
Leaving a friend is never easy, especially if you have a long history. But when you see that there is no hope for a healthy friendship, then it’s time to say goodbye.
Don’t be afraid to sit down and write a letter explaining why you can no longer continue the friendship. This will give you a good idea of how to handle it, as well.
This is how I ended it with my toxic friend.
I began distancing myself from him. We planned our get-togethers less often since I lost interest in him.
I always clearly explained how I felt, but he continued with his unacceptable behavior.
I decided that the best thing was to write a letter, so he can review it as much as he wants.
I told him about all the things that were troubling me about his attitude. I reminded him of all the issues I had with him. I referred to everything I had told him face-to-face.
I let him know the reasons for my decision to part our ways. I didn’t think that he’d understand what I was writing, but I needed to put it in print so he’d have a permanent record of the issues.
There was nothing further to do. I communicated my feelings. My job was done — time to move on.
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